Accept What Is

I had a very revealing doctors appointment last month. At my appointment, my doctor, asked me to receive a follow-up MRI. I immediately started crying. My doctor, whom I’m pretty sure English is not her first language, tried to console me. But what she said next, put some things into perspective, for me. She said “Oh no, you want to stay in denial, I understand”. Like I said, English isn’t her first language and I honestly don’t think she meant any harm(👀). And she didn’t cause any harm, just long hard contemplation about my situation. I’m aware of my diagnosis. It’s very hard not to be aware when I’m in pain most days. Despite what you see on social media my mobility is incredibly effected. When I dance, I’m in pain. But I love to dance. When I walk, I’m in pain. But I have to walk, at times. My every move is calculated. I’ve altered my entire life to accommodate the pain I feel. But much like my past circumstances, it takes me a while to understand the severity of condition. This isn’t the first time one of my physicians has told me I was in denial. The first time I didn’t believe it. This time, hmm maybe so. Just maybe. Or maybe that’s just how I cope. I’m not entirely sure. This was a month ago. Three weeks after my initial appointment I made several follow up appointments. I even made that appointment for an MRI. For that, I was proud of myself.

Yesterday, I couldn’t stop crying. At first, I wasn’t exactly sure why, I’ve had MRI’s before. Or maybe, that’s exactly why, sick and tired of being sick and tired? Or maybe I am concerned with what the results may say, either good or bad? Why would I be concerned if it’s good? Because I know something is wrong. Or maybe, due to the severity of my disease and what I’ve been through, everything scares me now. I honestly think it’s a little of everything. Nonetheless, the show must go on. So today, I had an MRI. My name is Gaylyn and I have Avascular Necrosis of both femoral heads, ie my hips. Avascular necrosis is classified as a rare disease, in which there is no blood supply to the bone, causing the bone to die. As you can imagine, this is incredibly painful. Avascular necrosis for me was caused by years of high dose steroid use for the treatment of my Crohn’s disease.

The prognosis may not be ideal, but like most things in my life, I know I’ll be okay. In time, and always I’ll be okay. Sometimes it takes me a while to get to that place. As in, recognizing and realizing that everything will be okay. I start to think about what I’ve been through and I get scared that it could happen again. Terrified is more like it. Even today, the MRI smelled like the hospital (well duh) and I started getting flashbacks of being in the hospital. At times, you can’t control your circumstances but you can absolutely control how you respond. Accept what is, even if it’s a process, do what you need to do to get there. Remain steadfast in all that you know to be true and that is you’ve made it thus far so you are fully equipped to handle anything that comes your way. So I closed my eyes as I prayed and asked God to give me peace and continued healing. The next thing I knew I was being slid (wheeled, pulled, idk) out of the MRI and it was over. I fell asleep during the MRI which if you’ve had one you know how incredibly loud it is. And how difficult it would be to fall asleep. The technician is talking in your ear. The noise the MRI makes, etc. Everything is incredibly loud. They give you earphones but that doesn’t do much of anything in terms of drowning out the noise. And you are in “itty bitty living space”, haha. So for me, I’m trying not to freak out thinking about the tiny space, lol. But even through all of that! I managed to go sleep. It reminded me that even when your life seems crazy, when nothing seems to be going well or nothing seems to be working out in your favor. When the outside world is too loud and you can’t silence your thoughts. I am reminded to trust in Him. Keep your mind on Him and He will give you perfect peace.